Category: depression

Have you ever felt numb?

Webster defines numb – to make (someone) unable to think, feel, or react normally.

Nothing – that is how I felt. Numb. I just wanted to cry! Maybe it would make me feel better. Don’t know about you, but I don’t cry easily. Only time I cry is when I pray or listen to worship songs.

Even after a church service or serving at church, on the drive home – felt empty – not sure what is wrong? At first attributed it to being tired but it got worse as days passed.

Each day, reading devotionals and routine of Proverb of day and five Psalms did not seem to help.

Then I realized I was grieving – not a loss of someone – but of something.

We had just moved out of our house, stored furniture, and moved into neighbor’s cabin.  Thank you, Lord for this cabin.

John relaxing
Porch retreat

Thank you for the friends and neighbors who helped us.

Yes, there were angels in human suits all over the place.

From ladies helping pack, neighbor’s moving boxes, friends helping with moving sale and then neighborhood cookout. One friend even took my plants to her house to care for them until we move in new house.

At a restaurant, my husband was having difficulty walking – a man came over and helped set up his oxygen.

In Home Depot the clerk noticed my husband did not have his oxygen turned on – she just happened to be a respiratory therapist.

Next morning at breakfast, another angel came over as we were trying to get to table. My husband was very weak and staggering.  The man came over and helped me get him to a seat – then ordered orange juice for him to drink.

So why the numb feeling?

I sat down to look at new Bible study book – Experiencing God. First lesson talked about Abraham’s call and how he, at 75 years old (I turned 75 in June) God didn’t give him specific directions of where to go, or what he was to do when he got there.  

Unlike Abraham I did know where I was going – a new smaller house. Closer to town and church. I did know what I would be doing – taking care of my husband.

Why was I grieving? The loss of my house, gardens, flowers, neighbors? Could be the pools of water around the new house due to weeks of rain. Could be the appliances and windows have not come in which delays everything to complete the house by end of month.

The Bible study book shared very familiar verses:

– John 15:5  I am the vine you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing.

Wow, reminder!

Matt 6:33-34 “Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

God spoke to my spirit – you can do nothing – without me! From the lesson – Agree with God that you will follow Him one day at a time!

The song One day at a Time came to mind. I pulled the song up on YouTube by Linda Randle. https://youtu.be/JhUvFqOY00I

  It ministered to me and then it skipped to the next song by her –

God on the Mountain –https://youtu.be/mvkCoC0ZOZc

Here are the words in case you can’t pull up in YouTube:

Life is easy, when you’re up on the mountain
And you’ve got peace of mind, like you’ve never known
But when things change and you’re down in the valley
Don’t lose faith, for you’re never alone

[Chorus]
And the God on the mountain is still God in the valley
When things go wrong, He’ll make them right
And the God of the good times is still God in the bad times
The God of the day is still God in the night

[Verse 2]
We talk of faith when we’re up on the mountain
But talk comes so easy when life’s at its best
But in the valley of trials and temptations
That’s when faith is really put to the test

[Chorus]
And the God on the mountain is still God in the valley
When things go wrong, He’ll make them right
And the God of the good times is still God in the bad times
The God of the day is still God in the night
The God of the day, is still God in the night

Then the tears began to flow.

This is what Experiencing God is all about. He ministers to your spirit in just the way you need when you need it.

My little valley is nothing in comparison to many I know who are experiencing death of a loved one, serious illness, or rejection by a loved one.  But God met me just where I was to bring me out of my valley.

He will do it for you as well! Allow His word and worship music to encourage you. 

The next day we visited the new house site – no change – no windows or appliances, still pools of water all around. I thought, “Oh, no and immediately it  came to me

– One day at a time, sweet Jesus!” 

Love the laundry room!

All the Time?

All the Time?

Pastor – “God is Good!” – response People – “All the Time!”

Pastor – “All the Time!” – response People – “God is Good!”

Our church service begins with this ritual.

Many times, I think – All the Time?

When a loved one dies?

When the diagnosis is cancer?

When your spouse leaves?

When your child rebels?

When your husband has been in pain for ten days?

You get the picture – many times we don’t feel like God is Good – all the time.

Nothing was working out.  No one returned my calls.  It did not seem that God was good this Monday.  No one seemed to care.  I shouldn’t say that- family and friends kept in touch with me constantly– they cared.  The prayer chain at church was active. The medical community was not responding.

I awoke with such optimism Monday morning – that someone would help – we would get an appointment that day for my husband.  John was not able to stand without excruciating pain or walk for ten days.  He had an MRI at the ER on Tuesday before Thanksgiving and was sent home with pain meds and prednisone.  He had a herniated disk. Now, he was out of both medicines and pain not improved.

As the hours dragged on and no calls I was anxious, ok, I was depressed.

Finally, at 4pm I received a call from our local doctor’s office. I rushed to town to get the prescription.  Then to the pharmacy to have it filled.  It was then my cell phone rang – a neurosurgeon’s office – could we be there at 8:50 the next day?  Yes, someone does care.

The next morning our son helped me get John in the car and loaded the wheelchair.  We left our house at 6:30 am for the one and half hour trip over the mountain to Gainesville.  It was a beautiful clear day the sun was shining and warm for late November.  I drove around to the front door to let John out.  Amazing, a handicapped parking place right in front.  I don’t like to pray for a parking space – but God reserved one for me that day.  After a few pulls and tugs I was able to get the wheelchair unloaded.

I rolled John in the office and before we got settled in for the wait (he was being worked in their schedule) he was called back to see the doctor.  The doctor came in and showed me the MRI and X-ray and said his disk was completely pinched and he needed surgery as soon as possible. Everyone in the office seemed concerned and the doctor was concerned about his pain level – he scheduled surgery the next week.

They called the hospital to try to schedule preop for that day.  No openings – Preop on Friday.  Oh, no go over the mountain again in few days?  John could not make that trip again.  But Yeah surgery scheduled!

I got him in the car and then tackled the wheelchair.  After several lifts a lady appeared and said, “Here, let me show you how to do that!”

We went to lunch.  John said, “Why don’t we go by the hospital and see if they can work us in for preop today.  Sure, enough someone else cared and after an hour nap in the waiting room they put him through preop procedure.

God was certainly good that Tuesday.  On the drive home, I recounted all the blessings – Praise the Lord for a safe trip, beautiful sunny day, parking place right in front of office, surgery scheduled, a lady to lift wheelchair and preop done.

But was God good on Monday when I was so despondent and distraught?  Sure, he was – he gave me the strength to keep pressing on.  Even though I didn’t feel like he was good, he was working all the time.

Seeing the goodness of God on Tuesday helped me get through the next week before John’s surgery as his pain increased even with strong medication.

Where are you today?  Do you feel that God is Good all the time?  My experience is miniscule compared to my friend who lost her husband or another friend facing cancer or someone whose spouse leaves.  But I know God can meet you even in those times.

There are many scriptures to encourage us that God is Good and that He works for our good.  Here are a few from New International Version (NIV):

Psalm 73:1                          Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.

2 Corinthians 9:8              And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Philippians 2:13                For it is God who works in you to will and act in order to fulfill his good purpose.

Romans 8:28                      And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Psalm 121
A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

 

This song by Casting Crowns – speaks to our times of doubting that God is Good all the time!

 

https://youtu.be/vCpP0mFD9F0